


Owning It

by Harukami



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 06:01:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2640740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harukami/pseuds/Harukami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's time for Ren to tell the people he knows about his new situation, after too long avoiding it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Owning It

Ren hasn't wanted to tell anyone. Of course he hasn't; the idea of explaining this is almost impossible, stifling and agonizing. What can he tell anyone? 'I was never what you thought I was'? That's the easiest part, and it itself is impossible. Explaining more (I was Aoba) and worse things (I am wearing his brother's body) and more scandalous things (and we are lovers) feels like he's approaching an impossibility. He knows he's not being fair to the people he knows, though, by ignoring it. It's an unkindness to them to avoid them, and to let them think he's dead (or the Allmate equivalent thereof).

But in the end, he's pushed out of his stasis not by his own worries but by Aoba, who sits down with him and takes his hand and says, gently, "Ren, I don't want to rush you into anything. But I've been keeping Koujaku from visiting for almost a year now, and I know I'm hurting him since I can't explain why."

So that's that. It's not something he can justify to himself any longer. It's too visceral, imagining Koujaku smiling and pretending he's not in pain, thinking he's damaging not just his own relationships but other people's.

So he'll tell them.

***

He starts with Beni and Koujaku, specifically because of knowing how much rides on this for Aoba. Aoba invites them over, and tells them to come a little bit before dinner. Koujaku pretends (Ren is sure) that the long gap in time hasn't existed, enthuses over Tae's cooking, and agrees.

Ren, who was sitting outside the Coil's view, clenches his hands on the cloth over his thighs and tries to remember how to breathe.

When Koujaku comes, Aoba takes them upstairs. Ren listens as their voices come down the corridor: "There's actually something I have to tell you. This explains why I've had to keep you away for so long, and I'm sorry, but I mean, he can tell you himself--"

Swallowing around a dry mouth, Ren sits up straight as they enter, as Koujaku freezes.

He wonders what Koujaku is thinking. Aoba being so secretive, not inviting him over for so long, letting him into his room only to show him another young man... certainly, it's a scandal. He draws a breath, tries to force himself to relax.

"Koujaku," he says. "Beni. Hello."

There's a moment of pure shock as they recognize his voice, as it sinks in. Koujaku stares at him, visible eye wide, disbelieving and ... Ren thinks a little hopeful as well. It makes him feel even guiltier for hiding it this long, but what could he do?

"Ren?" Koujaku breathes.

"Ren? Seriously? Is that you?" Beni launches himself forward, lands on Ren's shoulder, stares up into his face. It's funny, Ren thinks. He'd never realized how small Beni actually was before. "Yo, you're shittin' me!"

"...It's me," Ren says, and bows his head, starting to cry. "I'm sorry. I was afraid to tell anyone. Please don't blame Aoba for keeping you away. It was all my fault..."

Aoba freezes guiltily in the doorway. "No, Ren, it's not that, taking your time is important and--"

"Never mind that," Koujaku says, suddenly incredibly gentle. "How did this happen?" 

He comes over, sits on Aoba's bed, and Ren goes still, not sure what he wants, but he just wraps his arms around Ren, pulls him against his chest. It's a familiar position, although Ren was much smaller then. But he knows this: Koujaku's firm chest, the scent of flowers and cigarettes, the feeling of Koujaku tucking him under his chin, the feeling of Koujaku breathing against him, swallowing, living. It's the first time he's shared it. He thinks he must feel incredibly different to Koujaku, though, in every way. 

Ren closes his eyes. "...Aoba's brother... this is his body. So I can be at Aoba's side. And love him." He leaves the details vague, but that's fine, isn't it? This is the important part. The key of it.

"We didn't think we'd see you again!" Beni says, amazed. "Yo, an Allmate can't live in a human, though, so what's even goin' on?"

"I..." Ren stumbles over his words. "Me, the thing is, I'm not actually -- well, I was but--"

"It's fine," Koujaku says, not moving, just holding Ren tucked against his chest. "Take your time. You don't have to say everything all at once. It's enough to know that you're here."

He doesn't mean to cry that hard, and in retrospect it's embarrassing, but it's what happens anyway.

***

Koujaku was the hard one, in a way, because of his friendship with both him and Beni. But there are others as well. Clear, who often visits Aoba at lunch, for one -- he asks Aoba every time he visits if there's any change in Ren. Ren's not sure why he's so attached, but it's true that he is, and perhaps, he thinks, he could have a friend there. 

So he asks Aoba for help, and, when Clear shows up again, Aoba tells Clear to sit down and wait, and calls Ren.

Ren heads over -- he needs to keep himself moving anyway, keep himself walking; his body is vastly improved and easier to use, but not without problems yet -- and walks in. That gas mask swivels to look at him and he raises a hand, awkward: "Clear. Good afternoon."

"I believe it is still morning," Clear says, and then the sound sinks in and he flings himself to his feet, arms pinwheeling. "Ren-san?! Really, is that Ren-san?! But how! Ren-san is an Allmate!"

"Yes, I, ah," and he's overwhelmed, as Clear approaches him, breathing loudly through the mask from inches away, staring at him, dancing around him way too close as he examines Ren from every angle. "Clear, I, yes, but I'm not--"

"This is not an artificial body either," Clear decides, and stops, tucking his hands behind his back. "Ren-san, I don't understand."

Ren blinks rapidly, trying to recover his equilibrium. "I -- no, it's not," he says. "It's -- Aoba's brother, he left his body to me."

"...That ... is possible?"

"I think," Ren says, "only because Aoba's brother was who he was. And my mind is also a human mind, not an Allmate one. I realize this seems very difficult to believe but--"

Clear is silent for a moment. There's a strange air around him suddenly, some sort of weird grief. Ren wonders if he said something wrong, did something wrong -- Clear seems, if anything, depressed rather than relieved.

But then Clear claps his hands together, and the air clears. "Ren-san has come back to us," he says. "That's the most important thing!"

"Yes," Ren says. "I'm sorry for taking so long to say anything. I was --" Something about Clear's weird mood makes him struggle through embarrassing honesty. "I was afraid of what people would think."

"Ren-san, you're a beautiful human with a beautiful human body," Clear tells him. "I think you should not be afraid! Everyone will be happy to know you're all right. Better than ever!"

Ren nods, a little overwhelmed again. "Yes..."

"May I test something?"

What can he say? "...Yes, of course..."

Those gloved hands extend toward him, and then bury in his hair, begin ruffling his hair. It's not a gentle, soft ruffle like Koujaku might give. It feels like those hands are everywhere, flinging his hair around, digging affectionately against his scalp. There's no doubt his hair's already gone everywhere.

And he just doesn't stop. He ruffles, crooning to himself about it excitedly, and it goes on and on. Ren, alarmed, begins to vibrate slightly in place. "Clear."

"Ruffle ruffle ruffle~!"

"Clear. Clear--"

"Ruffle ruffle ruffle ruffle!"

"Please stop -- please -- Aoba, please stop him--"

But Aoba's laughing, no help at all, looking just incredibly happy to see this, and Ren swallows, and then, louder: "Clear!!"

"Yes, Ren-san." Clear lifts his hands. "You're very soft still. I can still see the puppy you were. The best of both worlds, Ren-san!"

Ren sighs. He looks a mess now, he's sure. "If you say so."

"Ren-san, you're human now, so you have to eat, yes?"

"Yes--"

"I didn't make enough lunch! I'll do better next time."

***

There are others, of course. The others from Oval Tower probably don't care, but Ren tells Noiz, at least, who bluntly tells him it's impossible, which is hard for Ren to answer, though Noiz relents eventually and starts to mutter about how he has to look into how it could be possible. Mink is impossible to contact, and Ren doubts it'd be a concern of his either way. But more than them, too. He goes with Aoba to Mizuki's hospital room, explains himself awkwardly, carries flowers.

"Hey, come here, let me get a better look at you," Mizuki says, and when he does, Mizuki pulls him into a hug and murmurs, "So some good came of that after all. I feel better knowing that." He doesn't ask too much, and doesn't seem to get hung up on the fact that Ren was an Allmate. Perhaps those can't matter to him in the face of some kind of happy outcome.

The last one they tell is Yoshie, and that only by necessity, because they can't avoid her and Clara forever. That is an embarrassing experience, of course, Yoshie demanding far too many details, and Clara expressing a deep dissatisfaction. When they finally break away from Yoshie's interrogation -- Aoba pressing the ringtone on his Coil and pretending to get an important call -- he feels like his heart's racing a mile a minute.

But even that's good, he thinks. He doesn't have to worry any more. It's done.

***

The night that they finish, he and Aoba lay curled together on the bed, naked. Aoba runs light fingers over Ren's arms, traces Sei's old injection scars gently, and says, "Ren?"

"Yes?"

"You were very brave."

"No," Ren says. "I don't think so."

"Ehh, you confronted your fears."

"Yes, but--" and Aoba kisses him, and nothing matters again for a while. When they're done, he kisses Aoba's soft neck, hears Aoba's laughter, complaints that it tickles.

"Aoba?"

"Haha -- y-yeah?"

"I would never have done that for myself."

"I know," Aoba says, gently. "Are you happier now?"

"...Yes."

"Do you feel freer now? More accepted? Like you can actually live in this body and it's yours?"

Ren closes his eyes, buries it against Aoba's skin.

"Yes," he says.


End file.
